How to be a Social Media Marketing Guru

Since 2010, the number of Social Media gurus growing on twitter land has exploded. So we thought we’d poke a little fun at this virgin and booming industry with our Guide to…

How to be a Social Media Marketing Guru

Bored? Unemployed? Be a stay-at-home Marketing expert with

(Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.)

1. Tell people how passionate you are about Social MediaSocial Media Guru

It doesn’t matter that just yesterday you were completely dissing Facebook or making fun of the twitterati. Passion is the new MBA and this will add valuable kudos to your digital street cred. Passion makes up for lack of knowledge, experience or the fact that you’ve spent the last 5 years driving a truck.

2. Share everything about Facebook from Mashable

Content Sharing is also known as content curating. And sharing something written by someone smarter than you isn’t just as good as writing yourself – its even better. Do this repetitively. Even if it’s nonsense.

3. Memorise the number of people on Facebook

No matter what the question, non believers can be instantly dismissed with this one magical number. Whatever the latest current number is (-minus the fake accounts) – will instantly silence any critic.

4. Attend every free conference you can

People will respect you and think that you run them.

5. You don’t exist unless you’re constantly checked in

Check in to everything. Life is a race and Foursquare is the medals table. Haven’t checked into your loo yet? Do you want people to think you’re not taking this seriously? People need to know how important you are, so stopping to check in at petrol stations, coffee shops and hotels while en route to a power networking meeting will act as little reminders in people’s otherwise dull lives.

6. Followers. Followers. Followers.

While we all like to pretend that followers don’t count, everybody knows its true and while you’re sleeping, they’re getting ahead. That means following every fake, brand and empty account that follows you back. Nothing says SM Guru status like following 28k people.

7. Klout Klanger

Because you’re new to social media, average humans won’t understand you’re enormous awesomeness. Use Klout to underline your social status and confirm your guru-ninja qualifications. If it’s not adding to your score, stop it and move on.

8. Burn the books, Dump the Amazon account

If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, imagine how bad a lot is. All those books about conversion optimisation, CSS, Design, Marketing are all utterly useless now. You don’t even need a Website or a domain. That’s so technical and old skool. Get a blog or a Pinterest account and a Facebook Page. And an iPad.

9. Make mediocre comments about really smart people

Want to extend the illusion of your own intelligence? Tweeting clever stuff like “The iPhone 5 is great but is it the best they could do? Not sure Steve would like” and mentioning famous people using their first name lets people think you know them personally – better yet, that you were their mentor. Possibly.

10. Everything is cool

Never share anything in mediocrity. If it isn’t epic, great or amazeballs, then it has no business being associated with you. Remember your followers are your tribe and fanbase. They give you credibility. You need them to RT about your accident on the potty this morning, so light up their dull, boring lives by sharing funny cat pictures or amazingly new useless iPhone apps.

11. Not enough clients?

Don’t let real business problems get in your way – clients and cash flow are misunderstood concepts from the 1990’s. As soon as your Klout score hits 60, you’ll be charging $40k an hour for telling people that their product doesn’t pop or zing and that they’re just not ‘engaging’ {enough; properly; too much}.

4 Responses to “How to be a Social Media Marketing Guru”

  1. Haha – love it David! (Didn’t think you noticed the pics of the ladies loo – oops!)
    ~ Helen

  2. John Twohig says:

    Hi David,

    Interesting post, your sarcasm is cutting but accurate. Be careful not to get to caught up in this campaign of yours as it could well end up defining you online:)

    Remember the old saying, to a man carrying a hammer everything looks like a nail. I agree with the point of your online comments. Keep up the good work:)

    John

    • David Quaid says:

      Hi John

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts and reading the post. I really appreciate it. We need to strike a balance but it was as much a post about ourselves as anyone! I’m guilty of the passionate thing. We’re not anti social media – we’re all about numbers and things that work. We’re asing questions and trying to challenge mainstream thinking because we’re not getting the answers.

      Here’s the thing: I’ve spent my entire life making a living online. If I don’t understand something, then how is anyone else supposed to?

  3. Spot on Dave.

    Telling it like it is as always.

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